new hatDriving down the highway with my mom one day. The car behind us got up really close and tailgated until he could pass. He looked pissed when he passed. Pissy passer.

Immediately, we drove into a speed zone, and the pissed passer had to slow down. “Haha!” I crowed. “That’s what you get, asswipe!”

Mother said, “Don’t say that; that’s ugly.”

“Oh, sorry,” I apologized. Then, to the pissy passer, “That’s what you get, asshat!”

Mother said, “Don’t say ass things; that’s ugly.”

Lesson learned.

Months later at Christmastime, my daughter Camille and I were lamenting the lameness of the lyrics in “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Specifically, we took exception to the line “A child, a child shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold.” (Sorry. I realize it will be stuck in your head now.)

We agreed that silver and gold were stupid gifts for a freezing newborn and his befuddled mother. I suggested the substitution, “Let us bring him blankets and hot soup”, but I admitted the timing was off. And it didn’t rhyme at all.

Camille offered, “Let us bring him blankets and coal.” Like for a fire. Makes sense. But it didn’t EXACTLY rhyme. And I pointed that out.

“It’s asonance,” Camille declared.

To which I replied… Yes, I did… “Don’t say ass things; that’s ugly.”

The End